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Confessions of One Set Free
2023-09-27, Wednesday:
So much is happening day by day I don’t have enough hours in the day to do all the writing I want. But here’s what’s happened since my last “daily” update on Friday, 9/15….
I moved out of the house on Sunday, 9/17, in order to honor my wife’s wishes for the same. I was not and am not happy to be out of our home, but I do hope it diffuses some of the stress happening. Move out day was very emotionally disturbing at the end, and I fortunately had the opportunity to go minister to someone else, and not sit alone fretting about myself, and becoming more anxious. I believe I was an encouragement to someone in a difficult time, and I myself found encouragement.
The week before I stopped taking my depression medication – by sheer accident and forgetfulness at first, but then decided to do without and trust (hope?) that I wouldn’t need it, relying on God. Well, after about 4 days I started getting dizziness and “brain squishing”, where it wasn’t a headache but kind of like that. Like someone or some thing was squeezing on my brain (for me headaches are my brain feeling like it will explode). So, I’m back to my full normal dosage, as I also noticed with even a “half dose” that my “self-talk/mood” was degrading. I may come back to the “get off meds” notion later, but for now I’ll just assume I have a broken leg and need a crutch.
Sunday, the message and entire service at the church I attend was phenomenal – one of the top 5 Sunday morning experiences in my life. Maybe top 1. You can view it here if you like.
I sold my vehicle this week, and purchased a less expensive car that is more practical for my new reality. I was a bit sad, but not so much. My insurance will be much less, and the money received goes to paying off bills that need to be paid.
I continue to be encouraged, and challenged, from the Freedom in Christ class I’m attending at church on Tuesday nights. It is what I need to hear and be reminded of – God’s promises are true, whether I feel they are true or not; God’s love and His other attributes are true, dependable, and for me, whether I always see them or not; and I only need to choose to believe for these to be active and alive in my life.
My prayer theme of “Break me; make me; take me” after this August prayer retreat is something God is taking seriously. He is breaking me, to mold me in what He wants me to be. That is what I want now too. I don’t like it, and I don’t enjoy it, this breaking down of myself and breaking away from things that pull me away from Him. But I need that; I want that, until I say without hesitation: “Not my will, but Yours, Lord.”
I am seeing week by week progress in my journey to trust fully in Him, to rest fully in Him, and to lay all my cares, worries, and anxieties at His feet, because He cares for me. I don’t how far along I am in the process, but I know I am moving in the right direction.
2023-09-16, Saturday:
I have some stuff to work out that God has been speaking to me (about), but I wanted to go back through my notes and add some additional thoughts/learnings from the 3-day back in August.
Recap from the 3-day:
- Day 1
- Everyone here is so joyful – it’s unreal to me.
- Shows me how joyless my life is
- Similar to the joy in Ethiopia
- I speak softly to make sure I don’t yell (like my father and his siblings)
- I am missing deep satisfaction (peace). Jesus said “peace I leave you.”
- I have deep fears of
- Alzheimer’s/dementia/senility – watching my grandmother’s behavior as she lost her mind
- Cancer – chemicals used at dad’s shop as a teen
- How to tell if thoughts are of/from God –
- Do they draw me to Him, or push me away?
- Are they words of affirmation (not necessarily acceptance) or of accusation/shame?
- Is the conviction toward repentance, or despair/discouragement?
- Part of my honest, unflinching self-inventory allows the Holy Spirit to search me and find any wicked way in me
- My heart is emotional, and believes what it feels. My mind is rational and knows what is true. I have let my heart direct what I believe, yet did not guard it. “Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.”
- Trust God at all times. Pour out my heart to Him
- Complete Forgiveness
- Has nothing to do with the other people
- Peace even if they never get caught
- Peace even if they prosper as if nothing happened
- I can now read the Scriptures as if knowing God loves me, vs. list of rules/duties to carry as a burden
- 3 people gave me the word today of “Redemption”
- Freedom from:
- Spirit of control
- Spirit of striving (in order to be acceptable)
- Distrust and suspicion
- Slumbering spirit
- Everyone here is so joyful – it’s unreal to me.
- Day 2
- —> Be prepared to “forgive again” as memories resurface
- During worship time, I am beginning to feel the change in me – agreeing with the words vs. wishing I felt them. I have more tears, but they are an overwhelming presence of God, vs. The grief/remorse/heaviness and being weighed down.
- I hear God tell me (go) to pray for Elizabeth
- I have two main bitter roots
- Weakness – from childhood abuses (all I will put here)
- Vulnerable – from childhood deceptions (all I will put here)
- Lies I have believed, and/or vows I made to myself:
- Life is to be endured.
- I deserve to be punished for all my sins – that is the totality of God’s judgment (Jesus only let me sneak into heaven).
- I am less than; I won’t ever get the things I want the most.
- That is why I have chosen not to want, not to have dreams, not to care.
- I vowed I would never care for (love) a female again, after a teenage heartbreak.
- I didn’t deserve __X__.
- I will never get angry.
- I will never be happy.
- My God contract: He died for me so I “have to” accept Him, but ours is only a business contract.
- The truth will set you free
- (I have since learned the importance of the preceding words. If I hold to Jesus’ teaching, I am really His disciple. Then I will know the truth, and the truth will set me free.”
- God is love. The nature of love is relationship
- God wants to develop and have a relationship that is special and unique just with me.
- —> New belief: I can change. Jesus can transform me!
- Deep conviction moment:
- From Ephesians 5 (husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church): my wifely relationship outright to reflect Christ’s love to the church. If it doesn’t, then I am sending the wrong message to the world (above and beyond not loving my wife well as Christ commands).
- While I have an ungodly soul tie to someone, I have by extension ties to everyone they have soul ties to.
- Generational or familiar spirits (tend to) become stronger in the next generation.
- My prayer is
- Come, Lord. Fill me. Use me. Change me.
- I’ve updated this to: Break me. Make me. Take me.
- Enlighten me with the depth, height, and width of Your love (Eph 3:14-21)
- Freedom from:
- Spirit of unforgiveness
- Spirit of shame
- Spirit of bitterness
- Spirit of resentment
- Spirit of depression
- Spirit of death
- Belief I “deserve” to be punished and that is what God is doing
- Belief I will never get God’s good things
- Day 3
- My forgetfulness (for day-to-day things) seems to concentrate around my family, while my suppressed memories center on bad times
- —> I need to be sensitive to the Spirit’s leading to pray for others
- Where my hope/joy/peace comes from.
- Rom 15:13. May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
- My new name – “Seek His face”
- Christ died for us – why would He withhold inner-self healing
- —> Learn to reject any and every thought that takes me further from God, or distracts me from doing what God wants me to do
- —> God delights in us (in me!)
- —> I want to share what I’ve learned, what I’ve experienced, to help others
- Freely you have received, freely give
- I hear God tell me (go) to pray for Elizabeth
- Freedom from:
- Spirits of shock, terror, fear, and trauma
- Spirit of self-dependence
- Spirit of insecurity, anxiety
- Worry and fear
- Intercessors’ word for me during prayer – “Yield”
2023-09-15, Friday:
God speaks to me today about security, and how my obsession with financial security (I have been planning for my retirement, that is now up in the air; and I would have retired a decade ago under every so slightly different circumstances) was a misguided (and we can say it, sinful) attempt to feel secure outside of looking to God for my security. Hmm… I wonder where this will lead? I do trust Him – does that mean I will/need to stay at my current job for another 5, 10 years?
How am I feeling?
Not too bad. Starting to feel anxiety about leaving the house for good and final this time. (That’s happening Sunday.) It’s another step in the this-is-happening parade.
2023-09-13, Wednesday:
On cue, Satan attacks. I won’t go into details, but suffice it to say that a thing happened today that “ultra triggered” me, so much so that I had to take a day off work. I was filled with dread, anxiety, and fear. Good thing I’m taking that Freedom in Christ class, yeah?
One of my notes for the day was simply, “Really struggling to run to Jesus and cast my cares at His feet, in this moment.”
2023-09-12, Tuesday:
From a Family Life daily email.
I think Francis Chan got it right when he said, “Most marriage problems are not really marriage problems, they are God problems. They can be traced back to … a faulty understanding of Him. An accurate picture of God is vital to a healthy marriage.” Simply put, bad theology creates bad marriages, because what we think about God impacts our attitude and actions.
This was so true for me. I blew up my marriage, in very large part due to incorrect thinking, and lies I believed. This led to some very poor behavior. I thank God, truly, that He changed my heart and mind, and continues to work on me.
Amazing class for Freedom in Christ tonight. All the emphasis on who I am in Christ, my identity. Something I’m starting finally to internalize, grasp, believe, and allowing it to change me.
2023-09-11, Monday:
Reading through the Freedom in Christ material, I feel very centered in Christ. I am accepted; I am secure; I am significant. Jesus came so that I might have life, and have it “to the full”. He is the source of my joy. I am a child of God, a co-heir with Christ. I am an overcomer. He is always working for my good, and nothing can separate me from Him nor His love. I can do all things (including enduring all things) through Christ. I am so valuable that God sent His Son for me – He loves me that much. And all these things I am are 100% because of Who You Are. You really are The God Who Sees Me. God’s acceptance of me has nothing to do with anything I do, have done, or ever will do; instead, it’s because of what He did, while I was still His enemy. That is so refreshing to me now! So unburdening. I feel like worshipping, so I will. Thank you, Lord, for Your love, grace, and mercy to me, and in my life. Thank you for pursuing me when I fell astray. I thank You for your discipline to turn me around. I praise Your glorious Name – You are mighty. I have sinned greatly, and you are a Greater God. And I thank you from the depths of my heart for renewing a right relationship with me, for cleansing my heart.
2023-09-10, Sunday:
During service today, I felt God prompting me to ask the couple beside me if I can pray for them. I felt it was weird (boy that’s familiar, huh?), but decided I’d obey immediately after service. I had to work up some nerve, to go through with it, but I did. And it was very worthwhile. They were very appreciative. I asked them if they had a minute, and I felt that god was asking me to pray for them. If they could think of a word to describe what they would like prayer for, what would it be? They gave me something, and I prayed as I felt led. They thanked me heartily. Somehow, I was the one tearing at the end of the prayer.
I’m taking a class from my church (EFCC.org) called Freedom In Christ. It appears to be a very nice complement to the prayer retreat I attended. There is a lot of reading homework to do – one thing that spoke to me today is how coming alive in Christ is a bit like moving from black and white TV to color TV. That is a decent metaphor for how I felt during the retreat, like seeing color for the first time.
Then there is this suggest in my email today…
From Family Life: I Do Every Day
It isn’t until after this “honeymoon” phase that married life heats up for real. Like miscarriages and infertility kind of real. Like bankruptcies and lost jobs kind of real. Even affairs, emotional distance, and I-don’t-want-to-be-married-to-you kind of real. This stuff, it burns.
But if we hold on tight, these “fires” can refine us, our spouses, and our marriage. The heat will draw us closer not just to each other, but to Christ. And through Him, we won’t just survive the fire, we’ll come out stronger than before.
2023-09-09, Saturday:
Friday I was served divorce papers. So the process has started for real. Suzanne let me know Friday morning, that this was coming, so I wasn’t surprised by it. It was still emotional. I am emotional now as I type. I have regrets of things lost, things squandered, time wasted, and trust shattered. I had my mind in all these things. The good news, such as it is, Jesus comforts me during these days. I absolutely feel pain, but not despair. I grieve, but not as one with no hope. I have sadness, but not depression. I question – man, do I question, but I fully believe and have faith that God is working for my good, even in this. How? I do not yet know it. When? I do not yet see it. I am thankful, so thankful, and praise my Lord that the doubt, the depression, the shame, and those other thoughts and feelings that in the past pulled me away from Christ, are gone. And that gives me an inner peace (joy, even?) that is deeper than my current pain.
I was going to provide a Scripture passage to go along with this, but then decided not to. Then my Bible mysteriously jumped to this passage from Zephaniah 3:17. This is a passage and verse I see and feel in a whole new light now.
The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.
To close the loop, I did choose to rent from peace home. Again, I thank all those I talked to, who gave words of wisdom.
2023-09-07, Thursday:
It’s been a rough week so far. Some things I can’t write about. Some things I can. I’ll leave it at this: previously walled off reservoirs of pain, fear, frustration, anger, and sorrow have been broken into, and I didn’t know I had any left. So I continue to keep learning, needing, to cast my cares and burdens at the feet of Jesus. And I continue to hear Him say, “Leave others to me. Don’t worry nor fret about anyone else. Focus on Me. Listen to My voice. Follow Me. Trust Me.”
That leads me to a current quandary I have been having. As I search for a place to rent, certainly a room to rent, I have felt that God may be calling me to live in a particular place, where my roommates would be unbelievers of a particular type. I haven’t told anyone this yet, but the reason I felt God might be calling me here, is that when I have been praying about is this where God wants me to rent, I heard a clear and quick “Yes.” In this respect, it felt exactly when I have prayed about going to Ethiopia many times on short term mission trips. However, the difference with this is that I felt no peace about that answer. It didn’t make sense, but I was working my way to accept that God didn’t need it to make sense to me. That is a thing I need to let go, so I thought this might be a chance to demonstrate trust and faith, when I didn’t know the plan. But the lack of peace…
“With much counsel victory is assured” running through my mind (thanks Bob for suggesting reading a Proverb a day), I asked a number of people. There were many perspectives. But then Tuesday this week I visited a Christian home and felt peace instantly walking through the door. It reminded very much of when Jesus said (but in reverse) when you enter a home give it your greeting. If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it. I haven’t finished this process just yet, but I feel pretty confident that this is the home I will end up in.
Why do I mention all this? I’m reminded of a statement I heard from my 3-day prayer retreat, and wondering if this is a case in point. The statement is that the devil can and will whisper in my ear, pretending to speak in my voice (I’ll add and even masquerading as an angel of light), and often uses incomplete truth and facts as part of his ploy. But always to deceive, distract, and deter me from the godly path.
2023-09-05, Tuesday:
Sunday I was moved during “worship time” by one key line in a song: On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. We weren’t singing that hymn, but part of it was in the song we were singing. I felt both a weight and a relief. The weight is from recalling how much time in my life has been spent trying to stand in sinking sand. That’s a lot. The relief of course is knowing now that I am standing on the Solid Rock.
I’m still learning and growing in standing only and constantly on Christ. I find that I need multi-daily reminders to myself not to trust in my own wit, gifts, or deeds. I’m learning that taking captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ is a daily non-stop assignment, vs. a quick “check-the-box” help me prayer in the morning. I find that I must multiple times throughout the day ask God to renew my mind, so that I focus on Him, not on my circumstances, my problems, or how others need to change their ways. I’ve spent too much time sinking deeper and deeper in the “being good enough to be worthy” sand, the “God must not love me or <this thing> wouldn’t happen to me” sand, and a whole host of other sands.
I will say I have thoroughly enjoyed watching the Jesus’ series “The Chosen”. In the last episode so far, I heard God speaking to me when Jesus told Simon, “I allow trials and struggles to come to prove your faith, to strengthen you.” But I can only take so much comfort in thinking that one result of my current trial is to strengthen me.
As such, during a Monday (Labor Day) bike ride, I found myself praying quite a bit. As I am not prone to do, I asked God to speak to me. (I need to listen to Him more, and talk less – particularly with a list of “please act on these” requests.). And He did. He said again, “Trust me. Follow me. Even, or especially, when I don’t know why. Don’t worry, fret, nor stress about this person nor so and so. Leave them to Me. Spend time with Me. Focus on Me. Let go. And let out and share with Me your feelings.”
So I did. And once again, I wept as I rode on a bike. The first time was 35mph going downhill – I don’t recommend that. This was the third time, maybe it will be the charm (the last). I must give a shout out to my two buddies riding with me Monday. They came along side me, got me to pull over, and stood by me until the grief and anguish past. I don’t remember their words, but I will never forget their care and compassion for me, their presence. I am forever grateful for their presence that day.
2023-09-03, Sunday:
Hey folks, if something really speaks to you, or something resonates and you have an inkling to contact me, please do. I want to connect, and I want to help in any way I can. While it is a bit cleansing to post these, I am doing this mostly to try to find ways to help, encourage, those who have similar existing hurts and wounds, or protect others from self-inflicting the same.
Coming out of my recent prayer retreat, I have a strong desire to help people, to be a blessing. I want God to use me. I also know the depths from which we can be freed. I do not know yet how that is to be played out, but I am excited to find out. I don’t want to miss out on God using me. Things I’m thinking about are how to
- Share the freedom and release I’ve found
- Protect the weak and innocent
- Be used by God each and every day
- Live in God’s love, grace, and power
I’ve always believed, as far back as a teenager, that as Christians we should have the power of God in our lives on a daily basis. But I rarely ever saw it. I was confused as to why that was. I think I understand some of it now. I think I myself had a couple basic things goofed up. First, of course, was my incorrect view of God, and His love for me. More specifically His lack of love, or so I thought. Second, though I would never have admitted it, not even to myself, doing great things “for God” was an attempt to feel/be worthy, and to show that I “deserved” to be saved.
2023-09-01, Friday:
My plan was to write today about what I want to see happen in my life, and what kind of things God is using to stoke my spirit. But this is what came out instead. Maybe next time.
Today I am split in thought – and I suppose it’s actually mostly good. (Good that I am acknowledging how I feel.). I do still know within me that God loves me, has plans for me for good, and desires relationship with me. He wants me to become like Him, and to seek Him and to know Him. And I also know that He wants, and I need, me to focus on myself (in terms of what needs to change, what I can do, and how I can trust and obey), check my heart and my motives, and not spend time nor energy stressing/obsessing over what others around me need to do. I believe I am maintaining a relatively good steady state of joy and peace, even while my life is chaotic, and in turmoil. I talked with someone recently about getting the logs out of my eyes. So there’s all that.
At the same time, I feel very sad, angry, resentment, remorse, and a little hopeless in my current situation. (Is it really possible to have joy and hopelessness mixed together? Weird.). I might have to save the resentment for another day. For now, I can say that God is speaking to me about that, what it is, where it originates, and how I need to repent/release/forgive that. These other feelings, though, come from the simple fact that as I adjust my current actions to prepare for a divorce, I regret the sins I committed to get me (us) here. I regret not speaking my honest, true self for so many years. I’m sad to see what could have been slipping away. I’m angry, when I allow myself to pretend I am a victim here, about all that is happening to me. I wonder when will God show up, as if He were not always here. I struggle to feel His presence as the tears come yet again, asking where is the miracle I pray for, the miracle I need, the miracle that brings Him glory? I vaguely hear Him say, “That’s what you want. What you need is Me. Seek first My kingdom and My righteousness.” So I can only say, “Lord. You’re right. And I can’t do it myself. I need Your strength because mine is gone. I need Your will, because mine goes wrong. I need Your vision, because my sight is failing. I need You. Period. Please come now. I’m lost without You.”
2023-08-29, Tuesday:
(Copied from part of my journaling today….)
On to other things, righteous things. Godly things. Things that please the Father’s heart. I hope. Watching the Chosen last night and the scene with little James and “I trust you to handle this illness”, I got the very strong impression that this marriage is indeed over. And that God “trusts me” to handle it? Thanks? Maybe? Can that even possibly be?
Regardless, today I definitely understand that His ask of me today, this season, is to listen, trust, and obey. I must give up my desire (need?) to know how this will end, or even where it’s headed. (Uh, didn’t I give this up already… I guess this really will be a daily giving up.). I need to take the next step when He tells me “Start walking in this direction.” And this is where I am now – in a foreign land (though sadly strangely familiar), far from home, and feeling robbed and thrown in a ditch on the roadside.
But then I remember my feelings are not the facts. God loves me. He is watching over me. He has my life in His hands. So I can say again, “Lord, take my life. Change my heart to be like Yours. Take my will and mold it to Yours. I give you all I am, to do with as You choose, whatever that means. Fill me with Your Spirit so that He can pour out of me to draw others to You.
Whatever it takes, God; whatever it takes. Until I can say without hesitation, “Your will, not mine.”
2023-08-28, Monday:
Today I’ll share some of what I’m learning, noticing, feeling with respect to God.
Since the retreat, I notice that worship time is a thing I look forward to. I dare say it’s the part of church service I look forward to the most. It is a time that I am genuinely, authentically connecting with my Father, and I feel pleasure – a gladness, simple and pure joy, praising Him. That is as far away from “old me” as it gets. I enjoy singing – in fact I enjoy it a lot. But for me, praise time in the past has rarely ever had more than just a “smidgeon” of real praise to it. I could be moved by the beauty of a voice, technical proficiency of instrument, intricacy of the lyrics, the layering of voices or instruments – but never by the simple fact that my Father loves me, wants to spend time with me.
I’ll confess to being a judge of praise time, being annoyed by the off-key person beside me, the too-loud singer behind me, or the squeaky a/v equipment. These last two Sundays, and two Sundays ago in particular, worship time for me had all those thoughts and concerns stripped away. In a partial sense it was just Jesus and me – I worshiped with my whole heart, and Jesus delighted in the purity and sincerity of it. But in a greater sense, it wasn’t just me, and wasn’t about me at all. We all were praising God, and and I felt a collective sense of unity in worshipping the Redeemer God, the Rock Our Savior. I don’t remember the names of the songs, who sang which one, who sounded better than another, or any superfluous such thing. I remember praising God, feeling His love, His freedom, and His acceptance. And it was truly divine.
Yes, the message was good, apt, and applicable for me. I took notes. But I’m thinking I should start taking notes of thoughts during worship time.
Confessions of a white-knuckle Christian, part 5.
2023-08-16, Wednesday (Day 3):
[I originally sent this to people who agreed to pray for me during this retreat.]
I am well, not giddy, but 88% joyful to start the day. I am smiling like somebody likes me. Multiple people at the retreat comment on my countenance and my smile. During the first worship time, I feel God nudge me to “get down on my knees”. I politely and “courageously” let God know that isn’t the sort of thing I do. It’s weird. What will people think? It’s gotta be distracting. It will draw attention to me, not Him. (Yes, I am zero for one.)
Not long after He tells me clearly to go speak a word to one of my fellow “prayees”. It’s still weird, and I tell Him that I don’t really feel like I am someone to be speaking a word to anyone just yet. I’m not healthy enough to do that. (Trust God score: zero for two.).
After just a little God says “Give her the word ‘peace’.” Rather than remind God how I’ve told Him multiple times that I don’t really want to be a prophet (prophets get stoned, not flowers and gifts), I go. I share with her that God’s given me a word for her and it is ‘peace’. She nearly breaks down sobbing, and clearly it rings true. She thanks me profusely. When I retake my seat, I can’t help but notice that I needed to know “the whole plan” before I would obey. I wonder what blessing I missed out on, not saying yes and being obedient from the start?
During the prayer session, we pray against, and renounce, a multitude of demonic spirits. Surprisingly for me, lust and pornography do not resist (perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised?), but we talk about forgetfulness, and then worry and fear. As my prayer ministers pray against a spirit of shock, terror, fear, and trauma, I am twitching aggressively. (For those who don’t know, I have some kind of condition whereby when I am physically or emotionally stressed, I twitch a lot as I relax.). This is different from my ‘starting to relax’ twitching. It’s defensive – I can feel that. My breathing becomes very deep and intense, like when out of breath. This goes on for 20-50 seconds I’d say, and then after a particular word (which I don’t recall) is spoken, the twitching stops, and my breathing returns to normal. I feel at peace now.
After lunch, during worship, God again says to go to my knees. I hear Him say, “I’m giving you another chance.” I suggest I wait for the next song, since “I have decided” doesn’t seem like a song to fall to my knees. So… I wait for the next song and finally obey. As the worship leader stops and talks about how we are friends with God, God says “Stand up”. Up. Down. Up. Did God forget I have a bad knee here? Then I piece together that He is Lord, and it is right for me to be on my knees before Him. And also, He has called me His friend, so it is right that He asks me to stand beside Him.
Now here’s the weird part. Before lunch, my prayer ministers were talking with me about receiving a baptism of the Holy Spirit, and to receive “the charismatic gifts”. We didn’t get to it. But for these three days many of the prayer ministers at times speak in tongues. That’s not “something I do”, but I’m ok with it. After lunch but before we start again, that paragraph above, I am praying for my daughter. I’ve opened lots of cracks for her to be spiritually harassed. Suddenly I start praying in tongues. I’ve never done that before, never tried. Never really even thought about trying. I just started. I can feel that these sounds have meaning, but I don’t know what they are.
Heading into the final prayer session, I get there first. So I start praying, and once again the tongues come. And once again, I can feel that this is more authoritative than my normal praying. Then I revert to praying “normal”, and it seems to me that while my words have less authority, they are now more effective (maybe because of the praying in tongues ‘setup’?)
During this session, we’re searching for the right thing to pray about, as I have this kind of general fear, insecurity, and we’re trying to find the proper thing to pray for. My ministers have me pray a prayer for a number of things related, and we’re cruising through the list when suddenly I cannot talk. I’m supposed to say, “I renounce the spirt of self-dependence.” I can’t. I cannot say a word. I’m thinking the words. I want to say the words. But I am unable to say anything. I’m trying to force them out. I can’t push through, can’t will the words to come. After what feels like ages, and was probably 20 seconds, I spit the words out and I can feel a clear change. I am free of that, and I feel lighter, looser.
There’s more, much more, I can say, but this is the bulk of it. Thank you all for your prayers. It meant, and means, the world to me. I can tell you the guy that arrived Sunday night looks very little like the guy I sent a picture of earlier today. May God bless you, encourage you, and guide you.
Confessions of a white-knuckle Christian, part 4.
2023-08-15, Tuesday (Day 2):
[I originally sent this to people who agreed to pray for me during this retreat.]
During worship time this morning, I am beginning to feel the change in me – agreeing with the words vs. just wishing I felt them. I have additional tears, but this time they are the result of an overwhelming sense of God’s presence, compared to the grief, remorse, and heaviness weighing me down.
God is love. The nature of love is relationship. This is a new understanding for me, in light of yesterday’s breakthroughs. God wants to have and develop a relationship with me that is special and unique just to me.
Coming into the second session’s worship, I feel like singing. Woah! I can’t remember the last time I felt like singing praise to God (even when I was doing it on stage). This is wild – a genuine desire to praise God, to sing in His presence.
Some key prayer items (results and acts) for me today:
- Forgiving fully various people in my life, with whom I have held a grudge, resentment, and/or bitterness
- Freedom from a spirit of bitterness, resentment, shame, depression, and unforgiveness
- Yeah, all of those
- I felt when these left me.
- Forgiving myself, and not telling God I know better than He
- This one struggled more than the others to stay, but I did notice it had left
- Renouncing lies I have believed (e.g., I will never get good things from God because of my prior sins)
- Renouncing “inner” vows I made to myself to protect myself from hurt/harm (e.g., I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me)
- Renounce and have freedom from a spirit of death that had been afflicting me.
- Renounce and claim freedom for my family from questionable occult practices of ESP and mental suggestion/manipulation.
I have prayed and repented, sometimes long long ago, about these. But I had not renounced and nullified any ties I had created (or doors I had unknowingly opened).
Today felt equal to yesterday in magnitude or weight, but in different ways. Yesterday was very much a release of the negative; while today had that as well, there was more hope, optimism for the future, than yesterday. As I stop typing momentarily, I close my eyes, and think of Jesus with me here. In that, I can smile, and be relaxed, content, and at peace.
And I played piano today, very poorly, but played, for the first time in years.
Confessions of a white-knuckle Christian, part 3.
2023-08-14, Monday (Day 1):
[I originally sent this to people who agreed to pray for me during this retreat.]
Humming “Shine, Jesus, Shine” at breakfast. What is that about – really, where is that coming from??
Well, I didn’t even make it to breakfast time before weeping. I opened the packet for me, and saw immediately the words bitterness and forgiveness. I just started weeping.
I also noticed that everyone here is so joyful, it’s foreign to me. Can I admit that I have lived a mostly joyless life? Our first session just finished, regarding the love of our Father. Though I rarely have felt it, I feel His love now. And just seeing so many Scriptures regarding His love for me, and a deep, personal, relational love, my mind cannot deny it even if my heart doesn’t always feel it.
Thank you all for praying. My overarching wish remains that the change that occurs in me here will stick.
Day 1 has ended here. Again, thank you all for praying. I don’t know if I can express how meaningful it is to me, that each of you are praying for me.
Here are some key things from today, for me (biggest three last), and I affirm all of these to be truth now and going forward:
- We learned 45 intercessors (in addition to you all) are praying for the 3 of us here at this retreat.
- I cry. A lot. I mean, a lot “a lot”.
- 3 different people had the same word for me today – “Redemption”. One of them saw a bright light shining on me and God gave that person the word “Redemption” for me while I am here.
- At today’s end, folks said I had a glow about me, and a clergyman said my countenance has changed.
- I got a migraine during lunchtime, and a number of folks prayed for me. I felt relaxed but my vision was still blurry. Quickly, I felt a spirit of accusation saying, “See, God couldn’t cure your migraine; how could He possibly cure your marriage?” After a few seconds of agreeing with that thought, God pricked my mind with this phrase “act in faith believing”. So I opened my eyes and expected/believed my vision would clear. Within two minutes my vision became 100% normal. This is a praise, and an encouragement.
- During a prayer session, I received freedom from needing to achieve (my perfectionism), in order to have acceptance – from God, from others. I can’t tell you how liberating this is.
- added bonus: earlier in this session, I accepted and embraced that God loves me, in a deep, personal, and relational way. I learned (and experienced) today the difference between conclusions my heart makes (and holds on to to protect myself), vs. truth my mind knows.
- During a prayer session, I received freedom from needing to be in control. This is even more liberating, I think. I have learned only recently that I try to control things, situations, and people, in order to feel safe. Knowing that God really does love me, has in mind what’s best for me, and is trustworthy, I don’t have to control. I never had control really, but tried very hard to. I can finally let God be God, in that sense.
- During a prayer session, I received freedom from distrust and suspicion. Having concluded early in life that no one is trustworthy, and that anyone will take advantage first chance they get, I have lived a life in distrust of everyone. I mean everyone, including God. I am free from that lie, finally.
First prayer (from striving), I felt heavy still, lots of grief tears. Weighed down, removing things, still stuck. Second prayer (slumbering spirit) still tears and some grief tears but also a sense of hopefulness and “moving forward”.
Confessions of a white-knuckle Christian, part 2.
2023-08-13, Sunday:
Saturday was rough. We went together to a divorce workshop. Lots of information there. It was very anxiety producing. And depressing for me financially. Saw sound of freedom Thursday night and feel like I could go become a child slave rescuer. I’ve got nothing to lose now, right? I’ll see how long that feeling lasts. We’re having one of four dogs, Lily, put down today and that is added emotional stress, as well as a point to fight about.
I’m trying to enter in and sit with the fact that God is for me, He moves mountains, and that no matter what His grace is sufficient for me.
Now I’m feeling this – I’ve given my life to Christ, I have followed Him (more or less at times), and I have heard His voice (clearly and obeyed, though not always eagerly), followed Him, and trusted in Him at certain times and for certain things (like Ethiopia mission trips). But I have never, I don’t think, truly, fully, genuinely submitted to Him as Lord, and said “my life is yours. Use me as You will – I trust You to know and to do what’s best for me.” I want that now. I need that now. And I am afraid that I won’t feel this 2 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, from now. I was reminded twice this year of Scripture that says “in their misery they will earnestly seek Me.” I don’t want to have to be miserable any longer, in order to seek Him earnestly. So that is my hope for this retreat – that I surrender fully, totally, and completely, to God.
Confessions of a white-knuckle Christian, part 1.
About three weeks ago, my wife told me we’re getting a divorce. This is after nearly five years of working to reconcile and recover from my prior marital infidelities. This path led me to an intensive prayer and healing 3-day retreat ministry. I experienced a wholesale spiritual, emotional, and mental transformation. God came and touched me. I want to share how that happened, as well as what happened. I am now a witness to God’s grace, healing, and love. But I didn’t arrive at the retreat that way.
Leading into Sunday, before the retreat.
2023-08-08, Wednesday:
Here’s my feeling most of the day. Well… thought. It will never be better. I’ll never feel good. And I will always be ‘less than’. What I feel is alternating despair, depression, anger, self-hatred for causing this, frustration that the process has taken this long, and I have wasted my life. Occasionally I get lost in work or stocks and forget. But only occasionally.
I’m not on a path for self harm, but this way of feeling is very, very familiar to me. And I hate it.
2023-08-09, Thursday:
For me today, I feel a tiny bit of hope of future joy, that God will gift me good things down the road. I had a weepy session, sharing my divorce and unfaithfulness (just that word) with a Christ family last night, totally unexpected. They were so gracious and kind, and encouraging. I still feel like crap, but can imagine believing one day things might be better. As I prepare for my Mon-Wed intense prayer session, I’m asking if you all [I asked a number of people to pray for me explicitly during and leading up to this retreat] can commit to praying for me up to and during that time. I need to be released from
- doubting God’s love for ME
- spirit of distrust and suspicion
- spirit of self-hatred
- lust
- spirit of needing to control
- Maybe others that I don’t know about (?).
2023-08-10, Friday:
Today I say I gotta leave this house. I am in a near constant state of high anxiety. When we (my wife and I) talk I mostly feel ok, but as soon as I walk away my nerves skyrocket. And seeing her living her own life here is torture. I plan to make no moves prior to this prayer retreat and then see where I stand.
I’m in misery and torture right now as I ‘help’ set her up to live alone. Gathering info about monthly expenses, making decisions that help her years from now. I feel like I am helping make my divorce happen. I talked to her a little about it and we agree I can slow my pace. It’s hard finding the balance to love her well now and love me too.
D Helfrick 